oneliners

A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.…

Any wire cut to length will be too short.

At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say “filmed in front of a live audience?” Well, it wouldn’t be a dead audience, would it?

all generalizations are false

What you humans call ‘THE APOCALYPSE’, I used to call Sunday Dinner! – Archangel, Gabriel

What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick? A wood tick falls off when you die.

Abortion – Near Life Experience Bald – Follically liberated Blind – Photonically non-receptive Bum – Displaced homeowner Cannibalism – Intra-Species dining Censorship – Selective speech Cheating (Marriage) – Post-Marital Affairs Cheating (School) – Academic Dishonesty Clumsy – Uniquely coordinated Corpse – Permanently static post-human mass Cowboys – Bovine control officers Crime Rate – Street activity…

Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don’t.

Why did the penny become angry with the nickel? Because the nickel was a “penny pincher”.