oneliners

Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

The gangster’s last words – “Who put that violin in my violin case?”

The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a people person? 6. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with…

Famous last words: “Ok, I’m only going to have one…” — Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.

Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards

What’s the difference between MJ and Mr. Potato Head? MJ has more noses. How are MJ and a Wal-Mart bag alike? They’re both plastic and hazardous to children.

The journey of a thousand miles … begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

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