oneliners

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

When I die I want to go peacefully – like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

This joke’s so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I didn’t lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay…

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass… then things get worse.

A Mexican and an Iraqi terrorist are in a car. Who’s driving? Answer: The police.

Q. What goes clop… clop… clop… BANG! clop clop clop clop clop clop? A. An Amish driveby

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on someone else.

Money can’t buy everything… but then again, neither can no money.

You’ve probably heard: If at first you don’t succeed, lower your standards. New Version: If at first you get hit below the belt, lower your belt!

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.