oneliners

How can you tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle? Look at the audience!

I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.

Room service? Send up a larger room. Who are you going to believe; me, or your own eyes? A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. One morning I shot an elephant in my…

Betcha I can give up gambling!

“For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!.” ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill

How can you be sad when you are at the Sunshine Happiness Parade of Friendly Friends?

Q: What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat? A: The Dolly Llama.

I’m so old, I woke up the other morning and thought I had an erection. I was really happy until I realized it was just a leg cramp!

Are you an aspirin? Because I’d like to take you every 4 to 6 hours. There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you’re the only one I’d like to mount and take back to my place. Excuse me, are you hiring? I heard you have an opening you need filled. What has…

I like hippos ’cause they’re fat and don’t care what other hippos think.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall…

Can you decipher this phrase? A R M S Open arms!