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A farmer walks down to the Farm and Ranch Store to buy a bucket. When he gets there, they have some chickens and geese for sale, cheap. Well, the fellow picks a goose and two chickens, and gets a bag of feed. He thinks for a minute and says, “Hey, how am I gonna carry…

Q: How do you serve food in space? A: On flying saucers

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual “equipment.” Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like…

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.” The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or…

1st SLAP “Our ship has just lost 82% of its power, our captain’s head fused with plexiglass and we have an eleven minute window to escape certain death. Let’s go to bed together.” 2nd SLAP “The evil bad guy, who has demonstrated Superman-like strength, has just killed two of our crew. Let’s split up and…

A couple was driving down the street and they hear a siren going off. They pull over to the side and wait for the cop to come over. The cop comes up and they see that it’s Officer Alf. The man groans cause Alf is the rudest cop in town. Alf asks the man for…

I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America. 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn’t what…

Fish + alien transpotation = Unidentified Frying Object

All of the following town names are REAL: Long Dong (Guangxi, China) Blowhard (Australia) Pickles Gap (Arkansas) Petting (Germany) Mount Mee (Australia) Titting (Germany) Lickdale (Pennsylvania, USA) Yocumtown (Pennsylvania, USA) Fugit (Kentucky, USA) Assinippi (Massachusetts, USA) Big Cockup and Little Cockup (England) Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland) Sally’s Gap (Ireland) Dick Johnson (Indiana, USA) Beaver Bottom (Kentucky,…

What you don’t want to hear on an aeroplane: “You can’t leave us now Captain, not at this stage!”

PARATROOPER A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. “Dad” he says, “on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I…