others

1: Fatten every one around you to make them look bigger. You’ll look thinner 2: If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 3: Drink a diet soda with your candy bar. They’ll cancel each other out. 4: Life’s short, eat dessert first.

Little johnny was going to school. Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes. “Can I have a piece of candy?” he said. “Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else.” “Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy.” “You think I have time for such small wishes? Don’t ask for…

My friend said, “Can I hang out with you?” I replied in a choking voice, “I have a spare noose in the closet.”

I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale. “I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read…

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.” “OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?” “A fottle,” replies the inventor. “A fottle? That’s stupid! Can’t you think of something else?” “I…

An American, a Japanese and an Iraqi were walking together. The American put his hand near his mouth and started speaking; after he finished the Iraqi asked him what he was doing, and the American said, “We put microphones in our hands and speakers in our ears so that we can make phone calls without…

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean? ———————————————————- NEW – Different color from previous design. ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. EXCLUSIVE – Imported product. UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments. ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.…

There once was a very old man, whose verses no one could scan. And when they asked, “Why?” he said, “I don’t know, I “just put too many words in the last line, I guess.”

“I wonder if my friend, Kent as submitted a joke about me saying how brave I am.”

As part of his plan to let the Yanks know that he is not only still alive but ready to kick ass, Saddam sent a letter to George W Bush. The letter was immediately recognised as from the former dictator of Iraq and was detoxified and checked for explosives before being opened. In it was…

How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?

You’re so fat, when you sleep over someone’s house, you sleep OVER someone’s house!