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Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. “I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “but I guess it is impossible.” “I used to feel just the same way,” said the second. “But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going…

‘Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving, But I Just Couldn’t Sleep I Tried Counting Backwards, I Tried Counting Sheep. The Leftovers Beckoned – The Dark Meat And White But I Fought The Temptation With All Of My Might Tossing And Turning With Anticipation The Thought Of A Snack Became Infatuation. So, I Raced To The Kitchen,…

Ways To Annoy People On The Subway Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by. Constantly ask people for directions. Don’t take a shower for a month. Tell the people your problems. They really want to know.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?” The tower responded, “Who is calling?” The aircraft replied,…

Shit may be the most powerful word in the english language: You can be shitfaced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy…

The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is…

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich. “Felix!” he exclaimed one day, “We’re going to be rich! I’m going to teach you how to…

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone,…

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into…

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.” 3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.” 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…” 5. If you have a glass eye, tap…

Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor! In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of our…

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. “Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a…