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A man comes from a foreign country and buys a T.V. to learn some English, he turns to the first channel and it says, “I did it, I did it I’m a big kid now.” He turns to the next channel and it said, “Fork and knife, fork and knife.” He turns to one of…

During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn’t help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. “I’ll take care of it,” she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly…

A Welshman, walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hands. He shouts, “Paid a yfed y dwr mae’r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr!” (Don’t drink the water, there’s cow shit in it!) The man shouts back, “I’m English, I don’t understand you!” The Welshman calls back, “Use…

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits. Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will…

A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver’s window, he takes one look and notes, “Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, “Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?”

THINK YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY…. check it out these actual cases. Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.…

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? “You may have graduated, but I have several degrees.”

Fill in the blanks such that the second blank is the reverse action of the first one: The famous musician Mozart ________ symphonies when he was alive and __________ after he died. Composed and decomposed.

Everyjoke knows about the kangaroo, the tall marsupial that lives in Australia, but when settlers first went there, they were amazed and had never seen anything like them. They asked an aborigine what the animals were called. He replied, “Kangaroo,” so that is what the settlers called them. Little did they know, kangaroo is an…

3 men sell their bodies to science, for an exsperiment on a new military weapon to scare enemy soldiers by turning them into the enemies idea of the most scary, repulsive idea possible temporarily. The first man has his wife looking at him, drinks the chemical, and turns into a half-fish half-octopus with fur. The…

Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can…

The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones. Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time. The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps. The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.