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One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to…

1.) That in school, getting a zero for a grade seems better than getting a 20 or a 30. 2.) That when you are hungry, you look in the refrigerator constantly, even though you know there’s nothing to eat in there. 3.) That ketchup has TONS of sugar? What’s up with that? 4.) That when…

Our new greengrocery is now starting! We feature lead-free gasoline, phosphorus-free washing powder, fluorine-free refrigerator, …, and iodine-free salt.

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it….. Ready??? ARE YOU SURE??? A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas —————————————— (I actually did all of these) 1. Go up to random people and ask “How are you doing?” See what kind of conversation you can start. (I met lots of new people this way) 2. Ask someone what another person’s name is nearby. Go up to…

Today I was thinking to myself, how would my life be different if I was born one day earlier. I said nothing would change except I would have asked myself that yesterday.

Rules For Chocolate =================================== If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution:…

Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? A. The Captain’s dinghy!

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband,” she says. He passes by the second…

3 men were sitting in a plane. They were talking about peace when the subject of weapons came up. They decided to never use weapons again to hurt anyone else. The first man pulled out a heavy rock from under his seat and said, “I used to throw rocks like this at people I disliked.…

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho. If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married…

Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.