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There was a pregnant women. On the way to the hospital, she got into a wreck. When she woke up her babies were already born. She asked the docter if she could see her babies. He said yes, and don’t worry your brother named them. The pregnant woman freaked out and said her brother was…

Patient:”Doctor,my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” Psychiatrist: “Rubbish! I like sausages too.” Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds.”

A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, “Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen – today Iget a Hunat eighty?” The teller says – “Fluctuations!” The Chinese guy says “Fluc you white guys too”

Acquaintance: A person you know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Bachelor: A guy who gets to keep all his take-home pay. Pedestrian: A father who has teenagers who can drive. Honesty: The fear of being caught. Zebra: A horse prisoner.

CUSTOMER: “Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime.” CLERK: “Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was…

CO-PILOT: Commander! We are being attacked! COMMANDER: Report your height and status! CO-PILLOT: I’m 5’11 and sittin’ in the cockpit.

A man was solving a crossword. For a four-letter word there was a clue: Look at the picture ! The man entered: I see .

In the USA they go ice skating. In Canada we go skating; we just assume it will be on ice!

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why isn’t…

What did the wall say to the picture? How’s it hangin`?

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man’s fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man…