puns

Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice shame on me Fool me thrice you are not nice Fool me four times and I am gonna cap your sorry ass.

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. “No,” he said, “the steaks are too high.”

Two guys are eating a hamburger at a fast food place. 1st Guy- Does your hamburger taste funny? 2nd Guy- No just yours. Mine doesn’t have a sense of humor.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P.

A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room. She’s dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. “Sit, Fluffy,” she says. Fluffy glares at her, sopping wet, jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him. “I said ‘SIT’! Now there’s a good Fluffy,” says the…

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she…

What happened when Ray Johnson fell off the Empire State Building? Now everyone calls him x-ray.

What was 50 Cent’s daughter named? Penny!

A U.S. Mint spokesperson announced the plans for a new fifty-cent piece that was being issued in the honor of two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. When questioned by a reporter why two people were going to appear on the same coin,…

When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray!