THE MAN’S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects -sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed…+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…-1
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings…+5 But return with beer …-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night …0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing…0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something….+5 You pummel it with a six iron….+10
It’s her father…-10
You leave the toilet seat up…-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty…0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom…-2
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party…0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy…-2
Named Tiffany…-4
Tiffany is a dancer…-6
Tiffany has implants…-8
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner…0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sport bar…+1 Okay, it is a sport bar…-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…-3
It’s a sport bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…-10
THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely…-20
You forget your anniversary…-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station…-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey…-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast…-60
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal …-5
And the pal is happily married …-4
Or frighteningly single …-7
And he drives a Mustang…-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) …-15
You have a few beers…-9
And miss curfew by an hour…-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn’t call…-20
You get home at 3 am…-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
…-40
And not wearing any pants…-50
Is that a tattoo??…-200
HER NIGHT OUT
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying
friends from work…+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late…+10
You wait up…+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed…+20
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie…+2
You take her to a movie she likes…+4
You take her to a movie you hate…+6
You take her to a movie you like…-2
It’s called DeathCop 3…-3
Which features cyborgs having sex…-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…-15
FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it…+20
You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself…+30
And she contracts Lyme disease…-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly…-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…-30
You say, “I don’t give a damn because you have one
too”….-800
FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical…+5 Something she can’t use…-10
Such as a motorized model airplane…-20
And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday…-40
DRIVING
You let her tell you how to drive…+20
You let her mother tell you how to drive…+40
You lost the directions on a trip…-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost…-10
You end up getting lost because you followed her directions…+10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town …-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal… -25
You know them…-60
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?”…-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding…-10
You reply, “Where?”…-35
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes….+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…-20