The Real Meanings

— Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

— Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

— Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

— Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

— Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

— Lymph (v.), to walk with a limp.

— Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

— Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

— Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

— Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with ‘Yiddishisms’.

— Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.