The following is from the British paper, the Sunday Express, giving awards for dubious distinctions.
Tortoise Trophy – To British Rail, which solved the problem of lateness in the Intercity express train service by redefining “on time” to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
Rubber Cushion – To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
Flying Cross – To Percy the pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, a 90-minute delay resulting from finding his ID tag and handing it to officials, relegated Percy from first place to third.
Silver Bullet – To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhangiung rock, and was instantly killed when it fell on him.
Crimewatch Cup
Gold Star – To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words, “HENRY SMITH”. His lawyer told the court, “My client is not a very bright young man.”
Silver Star – To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming, “Call me back!” and left his phone number.
Bronze Star – To Paul Monckton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number in foot-high letters on the side.