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Jokes

  • DON’T READ THIS IF YOU ARE SCARED OF CHICKENS

    in

    Why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! DUH! Aw c’mon, how many times are you gonna fall for this?

  • Made Up Insults.

    in

    I heard you tried to apply to work at a candy store. But they turned you down saying they already had enough air heads. Were you fat when you were born? Cause i think it all went straight to your head. Most people think outside the box. You still haven’t figured out how to get…

  • Conscience

    in

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • Why Indeed

    in

    1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something…

  • Dieter

    in

    The doorbell rings. The woman goes to the door and shortly comes back startled and turns to her husband, seeking help: “Dieter! There’s a man standing outside who only asks ‘Tatü tata’” (Tatü tata is onomatopoeia for the sound a police car siren makes). Dieter goes to the door and comes back laughing. “It’s my…

  • Im a Bad American

    in

    George Carlin Speaks Out… I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to…

  • Facts I

    in

    In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. Dr. Seuss coined the word “nerd” in his 1950 book “If I Ran the Zoo.” It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating…

  • Vociferous in the bar

    in

    A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers…

  • She So Fat

    in

    Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they’re flip flops.

  • TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF MARTHA HAS BEEN AROUND YOUR DOG

    in

    10. There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar. 9. The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears. 8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks. 7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows. 6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl. 5. You find liver and whole wheat…

  • Amazing Pig

    in

    A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, “Sure, we can put you up.” The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is…

  • Warren Peace

    in

    The social studies teacher had just completed a lesson on war and peace. “How many of you,” the teacher asked, “would say you’re opposed to war?” Not surprisingly, every student in the class raised their hand. “Who would like to give us their reason for being opposed to war?” asked the teacher. Little Johnny, sitting…