Jokes
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Take What You Want
in JokesA woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband says, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she says. “Just get the…
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This is My FIRST Time
in JokesMy mother has a “lead foot,” so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car. “I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to…
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How Many Flies
in Jokeshow many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but I don’t know how they got in there!
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Dodging Cars
in JokesThere’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back,…
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The 3 Holes
in JokesA guy’s car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in. He asks the man at the counter, “Do you have any rooms available?” The man at the counter…
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But That’s How My Brother Drives!
in JokesI was recently riding with a friend of mine. We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, “Why’d you do that?” He tells me this is how his brother drives. We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, “Why’d…
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Demetri Martin Quotes 4
in JokesIf I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters. It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word “Happy”… sarcastic birthday, douchebag. I love women, but I feel like you…
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One Halloween Night….
in JokesOne Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, “thumpety thump, thumpety thump”. He began running and the coffin kept up and began…
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Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane?
in JokesA family had lived in Brooklyn for three years, and their eight-year-old son had attended a Brooklyn public school for the past two years. The people of Brooklyn are renowned for their unusual, if not unique, manner of speaking, and the two years of school had given the young fellow an accent that would be…
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Swine Flu! I
in JokesHow do you know if you have the swine flu? You wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers!