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Jokes

  • How to Tell If Someone is an Idiot!

    in

    You can be sure someone is an idiot when he/she: Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate. Puts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup his mind. Gets stabbed in a shoot-out. Sends a fax with a stamp on it. Was on the corner giving out potato…

  • Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 6

    in

    Turn your Pentium into a gameboy…Type “WIN” at the prompt.

  • Fred and the Priest

    in

    Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said…

  • Bill Clinton and Al Gore…

    in

    Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, “Are you ready to order, sir?” Clinton replies, “Yes, I’d like a quickie.” “A quickie?!” the waitress replies with disgust. “Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don’t…

  • How do you know?

    in

    Q. How do you know when you’re REALLY ugly? A. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed

  • A Blonde was Playing…

    in

    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on “Science & Nature.” Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

  • Two Feet

    in

    Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

  • A Painting and a Violin

    in

    I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. – Tommy Cooper

  • Laser Tag

    in

    Yo Momma so stupid, she tried to cut through a safe with a Laser Tag gun!

  • Things You’ll Never Hear a Redneck Say

    in

    I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. Do you think my hair is too big? Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? The tires on that truck are too big. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. Do you think this baseball cap goes…

  • Why 1

    in

    Why did the limping man sit on a scorpion? He thought that it would be “pinched”!

  • Tickle Me Elmo

    in

    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock…