Jokes
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Comebacks!
in Jokes– You’re so stupid, you got locked inside a grocery store and starved to death! – You’re so big, you play pool with the planets! – You’re so fat, when you went outside in yellow clothes, someone screamed, “TAXI!” – You’re so big, when you go to the movies, you sit next to everyjoke! –…
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Things
in Jokes40 Things Never Said By Southerners 40. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen. 39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won’t fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. 35. We don’t keep firearms in this house. 34.…
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Priceless Picture
in JokesA man sat in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked. “Give me the bad news first.” “Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.” “That’s the bad news?” asked the man, incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.” “The terrible news…
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Mental Health Hotline
in JokesHello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line…
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Dads’ Jobs
in JokesThree boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a…
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Who? What? Where? AAAAAAAAAAH!
in JokesAbraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living…
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If You Were My…
in JokesA woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ”If you were my husband I would poison your drink.” The man replied, ”If you were my wife I would drink it.”
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Making Bread
in JokesHoliday Banana Bread: Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana Instructions: 1 – look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms. 2 – Spread well shaped legs slowly. 3 – Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl…
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Blonde’s Year in Review
in JokesJanuary – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February â Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels . . . Helllloooo!!! . . . bottles won’t fit in printer!!! March â Got really excited . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months . . . box said…
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Gotcha!
in JokesA deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist – probably…
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Randy the Rooster
in JokesA farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Randy…