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Jokes

  • Laws of Feline Physics III

    in

    Laws of Feline Physics III Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment, multiplied by the amount of human laughter. Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk squared, just to show that he can. Law of Furniture Replacement A cat’s desire to scratch furniture…

  • Philosophers

    in

    Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 3. One to change it and the other two to argue whether the lightbulb really exists.

  • Whos There?

    in

    knock knock, who’s there animal animal who? animal i kin git lots of stuff iffn i have ta money

  • Student Errers (Sic) I

    in

    Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years. World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren’t people any more, but friends. Peace was…

  • Starting Salary

    in

    Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, “What starting salary were you thinking about?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical…

  • Famous Last Words

    in

    Famous Last Words: “The gun isn’t loaded, ok?” “Yes, I double checked.” “This fuse should give us plenty of time.” “I don’t think he has a gun.” “This is a very safe neighborhood!” “I am 100% sure of the blast radius.”

  • Mr/Ms/Miss

    in

    A lady goes to a menswear shop to buy clothes for her husband. When she finds the clothes she likes she goes up to the counter and says, “I would like to buy these please.” The man at the counter says, “Certainly, but you must sign this form.” The lady says “Why?” but the man…

  • The Cow

    in

    James came to school late. TEACHER: James, why are you late? JAMES: I had to take the cow to the bull to mate. TEACHER: Couldn’t your father do that? JAMES: No, I think it’s better for the bull to do it.

  • Incubator

    in

    You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted.

  • Hey!

    in

    This is a fun way to irritate your friends and family on your answering machine! On your answering machine – “Hello?” pause, “What’s up?” pause again, “Oh, well you must feel pretty stupid right now because you’re talking to my answering machine! So leave a message!” Beep.

  • Zoo Trip

    in

    Yo Mama’s so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said “I didn’t know an animal had escaped.”

  • Artists

    in

    A girl named Zoey goes up to an artist and asks him to paint a picture of her face. “But Miss Zoey, if I paint a picture of your face then I can never be an artist again.” “Why?” she asked. “Because if I look at your face too long, I will go blind.”