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Jokes

  • Real Friends

    in

    Real friends are those who, when you think you’ve made a fool of yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.

  • Tell The Truth

    in

    Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

  • After Osama’s Death. . .

    in

    “The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?” —Conan O’Brien “The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.” —David Letterman “Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day.…

  • The “Picking Your Nose” List

    in

    Deep Salvage Pick Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages. Utensil Pick When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren’t enough to get the job done to your satisfaction. Extra Pick When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you…

  • JEWS!

    in

    How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen? ——————— 54. Two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray. What is the difference between a large pizza and a Jew? ——————— The large pizza won’t scream when you put it in the oven.

  • Breaking up with a Marine

    in

    A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair…

  • Moral of the Story

    in

    An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people Who remarked it was a shame the old man Was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics…

  • Law Pertaining to Divorce

    in

    Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him … get a good lawyer …keep his house

  • Hard To Believe

    in

    During a break at work, John and Steve are chit-chatting about what happened the previous night: John: “OK, well last night the wife and I decided to go see a play. I waited for 10 minutes downstairs for her to get ready, and we got on our way. So, we’re driving down the street, when…

  • Mother Teresa’s Heavenly Experience

    in

    When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” asked God. “I could eat,” Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother…

  • Aarvark Never Killed Anyone

    in

    People always say that hard work never killed anyjoke. Oh yeah? When’s the last time ya ever heard of anyone who “rested to death?”

  • Wisdom of the Aged

    in

    An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to…