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Jokes

  • Busy But Stupid 2

    in

    – How to keep a blonde busy? – Tie up both sides of a rope together. Give the tied rope to the blonde and tell her to find the end.

  • Dangerous Dihydrogen Monoxide

    in

    Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination,…

  • 100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Guy

    in

    100 Reasons Why It’s Great To Be A Guy Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You…

  • The President and the Call Girl

    in

    One day, about a month ago, the president was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge – a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, “I am the President of the United States… How much would it cost me to spend some time with…

  • Point of Note

    in

    Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

  • Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

    in

    (Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.) Me: *walks out of the cooler* Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there. Me: “I don’t mind it.” Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?” Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure…

  • Magicians Parrot

    in

    A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every…

  • I’m Telling You . . . .

    in

    “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

  • The Traveller

    in

    A girl goes to her doctor, because she’s found some unusual green marks on her thighs. After the doctor has examined the marks, she asks the girl some questions so that she can determine the cause. “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Yes.” “Can you describe him?” “Ok; he’s tall, dark, and works at the fairground.”…

  • Two Italians on a Bus

    in

    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ”Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come…

  • Charity Begins at Home!

    in

    Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices? They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!

  • Mental Institute #2

    in

    There was this guy in the mental institute who was taking his medicine that the nurse gave him. The same nurse was walking past his room and saw him shaking very vigorously. Intrigued, the nurse asked,”Dear patient, why are you shaking? Are you cold?” Still shaking, the patient replied, “No, my dear nurse, the bottle…