Press Cuttings

These are all true cuttings,

Irish police are being handicapped
in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It is
a Special Branch vehicle and they
do not want the public to know what it
looks like. (The Guardian)

Police reveal that a woman
arrested for shoplifting had a
whole salami in her knickers. When asked why she
said it was because she was
missing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The
Manchester Evening News)

After being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound]
overdraft, 30 year old Michael
Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed
poll to “Yorkshire Bank PLC Are
Fascist Bastards”. The bank has now asked
him to close his account and Mr.
Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p
balance by cheque made out in his
new name.
(The Guardian)

Notice seen in the Churchtown
Parish Magazine: Would the
congregation please
note that the bowl at the back of
the church labelled “For the sick”
is for monetary donations only.

There must, for instance, be
something very strange in a man
who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy,
doesn’t try it on. (Glasgow
Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to
sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable
lobster. A coastguard spokesman
“This sort of thing is all too
common?” (The Times)

At the height of the gale the
harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied that he was sorry but
he didn’t have a gauge. However if
it was any help the wind had just
blown his Land-Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Commenting on a complaint from a
Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill a spokesman for North West Gas
said: “We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It is possible Mr. Purdey
has been charged for the gas used
up during the explosion that blew his
house to pieces.” (Bangkok Post)